Buildacase

Do you really want to win and you just don’t feel like your partner is cutting it? Or do you just want to enjoy yourself and you feel like your partner is too hardcore? Or is your partner just… messy and needs to be taken care of all the time and it is draining? Or are you guys okay but you just don’t think your skills in debate match very well? This article is for you!

In my opinion, partnerships in debate are just like normal relationships, but subject to constant stress due to competition. As such, there are very simple conversations you can have with your partner to make the process of attending a tournament together far smoother. This article will cover some of the initial considerations you need to have before committing to a debate partnership.

Odd flex but ok: As a side note, I have applied all of these and found great success with my debate partnerships. Muzzi, Gwen, Pranav, Kieran — I am still good friends with all of them, we have found great success together at major tournaments, and there is no animosity between us. But it certainly was not like this all the time. We have had conflicts and I used the following strategies to navigate them:

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1) Start with yourself: adjust your mindset

I’m going to say it: the problem is probably, in part you. Many of the frustrations we have about our partnerships comes from having unrealistic expectations. You cannot expect your partner to give a perfect whip for your mediocre extension every time. Luckily, you can change your expectations simply by… identifying, reflecting upon them, and setting new expectations.

Mindset: This is a situational, professional relationship between two people who are looking for competitive success.

I know many university debaters have not held a job, but just ask yourself: how would you treat a co-worker and a friend? How would you want them to treat you?

• At the end of the day, I want to know I can depend on my partner to have both of our best debate interests at heart and to take actions which respects my time, mental and physical health, and the rest of my life outside of debate.

• This person is not my parent, this person is not my counsellor, this person is not my outlet to take out my frustrations on. This person cannot be responsible for my behaviour at tournaments or in practice.

• I cannot expect myself or my partner to perfectly execute practice strategies, prep, or debate speeches all the time. There will often be 1-2 rounds in tournaments where things don’t work out. Sometimes there will be entire tournaments where things do not work out.
  
• I cannot expect my partner to have the same priorities as me all the time, because we are living different lives. We may fail to practice properly for sometimes weeks on end.
  
• I do not control or own my partner (even if I am older, more experienced, more reppy, etc.). If I have a request or a goal and they don’t want to do it, I need to pursue appropriate solutions to remedy the conflict.
  
• It is not appropriate or productive to talk behind my partner’s back to other debaters, even if I see other good debaters do it. It is not appropriate to snap and blow up or shut down and ignore my partner. It is not appropriate to try to replace my partner without having a conversation with them first.
  
• It is my responsibility to communicate with my partner my expectations, my mindset, my (reasonable) needs, and my plans regarding debating.
  
• Relationships are reciprocal. If I want to receive nice things from my partner, I need to show my willingness to give nice things to them first AND communicate my needs. Since we are partners and will be spending a lot of time together, it is in my best interest to get to know you, to become friends with you, and treat you with respect and dignity.

What are some examples of reasonable and unreasonable behaviours in partnerships in debating?

Yes, many of these are obvious, but perhaps a reader will need a reminder! This is not a comprehensive list. This is culture-specific. This can be adapted based upon agreed-upon expectations by partners.

Reasonable:

• Negotiating a bedtime if you are sharing a room at an in-person tournament and there are rounds tomorrow
• Negotiating speaker positions
• Negotiating behaviour around talking about tabs, talking about other teams, talking about rankings generally at a tournament
• Negotiating talking about eachothers’ performance in a debate round
• Negotiating giving eachother feedback after a practice round
• Negotiating certain mental health needs: for example, I always ask my partners for quiet after a debate round. I put my headphones on and try to relax before the next round’s draw.
• Identifying triggers or ‘icks’ that can be mitigated during a tournament

Tl;dr: if you can make a suggestion or a request and have a conversation about it in a respectful and non-confrontational way, then it is probably reasonable.

Unreasonable:

These are some behaviours I have noticed throughout my time in debating.

• Forcing your partner or pushing your partner into speaking a position they do not want to, or to speak in a round they do not want to speak in
• Relentlessly asking someone to partner with you when they do not show enthusiasm to do so
• Giving unsolicited feedback or advice, without asking your partner first if they are ready to receive feedback
• Telling your partner that you will not partner with them unless they do X (X being anything)
• Flirting, making suggestive comments, or making physical moves on your partner without first discussing relationship boundaries
• Demanding your partner not to talk to certain people because of your personal problems with them
• Talking behind your partner’s back because you think they are not practicing, you are ‘carrying’ them, you think they are trying to sabotage your speaks, etc.
• Yelling, screaming, hitting, throwing things, silent treatment, ghosting, throwing a tantrum if you lose a round
• Insisting your partner drink or try a drug with you
• Getting very self-deprecating or depressed and forcing yourself and your emotions onto your partner without negotiating reasonable boundaries
• Talking shit about other debaters to eachother

Tl;dr: if it is a demand that is not negotiated or spoken about beforehand, or if it is obviously rude, it is not appropriate behaviour in a professional relationship.

2) Questions to ask in every partnership

• How is your life going right now? Do you think you are in a good place to debate right now?
• Do you have competing priorities? Do you anticipate they will clash with debate? How will they clash with debate? Can we work around these conflicts together?
• What speaker roles are you comfortable with? Can you speak X, why or why not? Would you mind trying to speak X, I will do my best to support you!
• How do you want to receive feedback? Reflecting on our performance is really important to improve at debating but I know it is stressful and often triggers insecurities — is there a specific time or a specific language or a specific tone I should adopt when giving you feedback?
• Is there anything you think we should be doing right now that we aren’t doing? How can we incorporate that?

3) Practical frameworks for resolving conflict:

• Hey [partner], when you do [ABC], it makes me feel [XYZ]. I would really prefer if you took the action [UIO] in that situation. Do you think that is appropriate? I’m happy to talk about it some more!
• Hey [partner], I noticed you don’t react well when I [give you feedback]. I think it is important to say because of [ABC], is there a way I can approach this that works out for both of us?
• Hey [partner], I’ve been feeling very frustrated lately because when you do [ABC], it shows me that you don’t care about [XYZ]. But [XYZ] is important to me because of [UIO]. Can we work together and maybe meet in the middle on this issue?

4) Nice things to say to your partner or other debaters

Since debaters don’t say this stuff enough.

• Hey, you deserved that win, you spoke great. Good job!
• Your speech was excellent, I really liked how you did [specific thing in their speech here]. How did you learn how to do that?
• I thought your argument was really clever and I thought of [this response, this framing, etc.]. What do you think about that?
• You are so much fun to speak with. I am so glad we are speaking together I really enjoy debating with you.
• Ugh that team/speaker/argument/round/judge was so frustrating, but I’m glad we’re on the same team and I had someone on my side when we went into that room.
• I trust your judgement, you got this!

5) Sometimes it is not worth it

Sometimes, you are attending an important tournament but your partner is not responding well to any of the aforementioned problem solving strategies. But they are the only speaker you’ve got, or, more commonly, you think they are your only chance of breaking or speaking well, or they are super reppy and you want to be pro-amed by them.

Drop them! Don’t attend. Go as a judge. Go with a novice. Make sure you let them know your reservations and why you are changing your mind. This one tournament is not your only chance of being successful or happy with debate, but it could really sour your enjoyment or experience with debate and make you not want to return. Do this activity with people you like, and you will find success comes far more naturally.

• Matt 🙂